There is so much to be grateful for even though it has been a challenging week as my mind and heart struggled in a variety of ways with the latest decision our country made. I'm not sure how most people's 4th of Julys go, but mine has always been clouded with the thoughts of, "What am I doing?" and "Who I am I with?" I am reminded again of how hard some of my July fourths have been as I think of people that have recently gone through a break up, are struggling in their relationships, and those who may not have anyone to celebrate this glorious day with. There were so many July fourths that I had NO ONE to do anything with. There were years were I literally sat in my apartment while the fireworks went off and cried. What was the alternative? Should I have asked to go along and be the third wheel? This holiday is not like the others. For the others, families always gather. It is safe. And Memorial Day and Labor Day...well, it's not one where the soul longs to go celebrate like July 4th. It is ok to be alone if you have to be. July 4th must be celebrated. We have fought too hard as a country to be where we are today. And in many ways, as a Christian, the road is even harder. We must not take our freedom for granted. So, as my boyfriend, Matt, planned his July 4th, I didn't think anything of it. July 4th was weeks out. My sister and her boyfriend were planning a get-to-gether to watch fireworks. I didn't really think about what I would be doing. I didn't even need to worry about it. I've come to realize that looking back now. What a blessing! Me, the planner, not planning is very rare! But I've let go on some things. One day Matt was talking about his plans for Summerfest and he mentioned something about when we go. I thought it would be important to clarify who the "we" was. I figured it was me, but hey, you never know! It could have been a friend! It was me after all. It was kind of funny. But the thing is, who else would I want to celebrate this day with, but my love first and foremost? Last year I don't even think I had thoughts about this holiday, like I am reflecting on now. I think I was just so in the moment as Matt, his daughter, and I headed up to his parents' place for the weekend. We had a wonderful time. It is such a blessing to know that I have a man in my life to stay who will be celebrating 4th of July with me AND all the very lonely ones of the past can fade away!
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I am totally stoked! Next weekend I am finally going to accomplish something on my bucket list. For years now I've been wanting to learn how to play racquetball. The Y is offering a class, so here's my chance. So, it will be beginner me and "expert" Mike at 10am. My experiences with racquetball only include my friends and me hitting around the ball like wild cats catching a ball for fun at the Y back in school. It was super fun. A few years ago I tried to read about the game, but that was not happening. I am a multi-need learner. I need to see, hear, and try it. Plus, I need to repeat it several times. This is part of the reason why personal training is so good for me. I do not remember so much of all the new things Trainer Tyler introduces all the time. It doesn't become second nature until I do it over and over again. How much time will I get with Mike on Saturday? I might need another class! lol On the other hand, I'm sure I'll just need a lot of practice! lol Anyway, I will need to prepare for this. The Y doesn't have decent supplies for this. So, I will need to invest in a racket and eye protection. I just looked up a video on equipment. Who knew they actually have racquetball shoes?! I am excited to look more into this sport. I would like to find something fun as a way to burn calories and break a sweat. It's the right time to add something new into my exercise routine. It's about that time in my life where I'm saying to myself, "I can't believe I'm still doing personal training." And it isn't in a positive tone either. It's the, "I' don't want to do this today. It's Thursday already?!? I feel like I was just here!" Even though the last session with Trainer Tyler was Tuesday. I need something to be excited about in fitness again. It's getting stale. There's no doubt that there is a little fear inside myself of the unknown. The Amy showing up to gym class that 1. hated gym class and 2. was not good, is there inside me. Although, I have faith in myself and proof that I can do more physically than ever before, I still am nervous. The truth is, we all start somewhere. More than anything the unknown is probably scarier that the actual experience. So, here is to my new experience to come! It's been a long time coming...wish me luck with some good experiences! I rarely share my poetry. It is very personal to me and usually written when my heart is broken. Recently, I've been chatting with someone about her break up, steps of moving forward, and healing. As I've talked with her, I've shared some of my own wisdom with her. This woman hasn't started to date again. I can recall a time in my life when I eased my way out there into the dating world when I thought I never would be needing to again. This poem was written the night I went on my first real date after a good year had past since the end of a significant relationship. A vaguely remember breaking down in my car once I pulled into the driveway after the date. This poem is the result of the emotion that was built up inside. It took several months beyond this spot in my life to open myself to someone where I wasn't looking back at "what was" anymore. Every step was necessary and taught me something. Please know that I write very symbolically in this poem. My ex-boyfriend did not die, but when we broke up the future we/I had planned, our relationship, and him in my life were deaths. I mourned all of them and many other things for over a year. Please know, that I've always been blessed with a deep faith, strong family, and beautiful friends that all helped be through that very hard time. I am proud of the woman I am today and continue to grow into. Grave Site by Amy Koehler (6/25/11) My heart cries for you in the agony of trying to find another A future that’s bittersweet drowned by the past One step forward, two steps back Reminders of you linger You are never too far away Haunted by then – what was I come visit your grave site and tears of sadness and loss erupt as your death still stings my heart while yours stopped beating for me a lifetime ago Kisses of empty passion A new hand to hold from eyes of a stranger You aren’t there A heart thrown into limbo No longer rests in yours nor anyone else’s My flowers are never brought There’s nothing to celebrate Good memories are lost not cherished A fire burns around the pathetic ground I walk on Leaving new ashes that just sit there There’s a stench of decay For my brokenness remains in the depth of despair I knew, but I didn’t know how ugly this grief was going to be No one has pulled me out and away from the grave site Lack of understanding and the dread of pity leave words unsaid and mourning private Will there be a new love that understands where I’ve been where I am and where I want to go In the midst of it all, will they see me as beautiful even if my heart still cries for a pastime ago I feel so misunderstood fighting with a scene I don’t like It’s not so easy to find where my heart can rest Nothing is for certain; nothing is safe Wish someone was worthy enough to even be given glimpses of my beautiful heart Slow down, speed up, try harder, you deserve better Don’t look and you will find Be you A mess of confusion that makes no sense Too much and yet not enough decent options Brings me back to you Your absence is fatally permanent while the reality of what was is stable I know well the path of what no longer exists Maybe someday it will join in and disappear into another’s And visiting your grave site will be no more Song: "Blessings," by Laura Story I noticed today was sibling day on Facebook. I didn't want to miss this opportunity to find some of the best snapshots of Jen and me and post them like everyone else was. Of course that gave me an excuse to write a quick post as well. I know that a Jen post could be rather long if I really took the time, because I love her and I am emotional. And well, when you put those two together with writing, it will end up as a long emotional post! Tonight, I am going to keep it shorter and sweeter. We have been there for each other throughout the years for the ups and the downs, but especially the downs. The Koehler sisters know how to stick together, be there, and make it through. We know how to pick ourselves up and each other up and find our way again. Through all this time we've been there for each other to help find our way in life. Whether it be with an ending to a job and the starting of a new one, moving into a new place, an ending to relationships (friendships and romantic) and the beginning of all sorts of relationships, learning who we are and finding ourselves again, and so much more. I cried like a baby at her college graduation knowing that she was going to go out into the world without me not being as near as I had been. I am not quite sure how I'll ever be able to manage even getting words out without sobbing through a speech at her wedding someday. :) I know this is for certain, that I'd die for this woman, and I'd do just about anything for her. I'll have to write more another time... There is a magical place of corn crib races, night time games, and Christmases with cousins. There are tractor rides in the fields with Grandpa and dad. There's trying to sneak a peak of the amazing beauty that's going on in the bathroom or as my aunt lays out in her bikini swimsuit catching some sun. There's an aroma of homemade cinnamon rolls and rolls coming from the kitchen. Graham crackers are being dipped into a glass of milk and being waved back and forth until they are just right. There is toy playing on the front lawn. My aunt is doing my hair in the kitchen... This magical place was my grandparents farm. For a lot of our family, it is a place that is still alive in our hearts today. It was extra special for me, since my dad was the son that worked on it instead of finding a different profession for a few years. So, I had the joy of going with him before I started school. I hold a very special place for the farm in my heart. There are a lot of memories. When I was in my intermediate grades of elementary school, my grandparents decided to sell the farm and then move to Arizona a few years after where they would be close to their oldest son and his family. I've written about the farm and my love that goes with it many times...and as always, with tears, as I have now. You understand this if you have similar experiences. From that time up until a few years ago, I faithfully wrote my grandparents and called them. I would receive letters back and our phone conversations would probably last an hour as I conversed with both Grandma and Grandpa. Such communication is sacred. I'll never forget my last two conversations. I called them up and asked Grandpa to pray one of his Rosaries for me and someone I was dating as an intercession on our behalf to God. He prayed the Rosary regularly. We were going to be talking about our recent break up, and I knew my Grandpa would pray for us. Of course he said yes. Then I talked with Grandma and updated her about this very important conversation that was to take place and anything else that was new. I don't remember how much time went by when I did call to tell Grandma and Grandpa about the conversation. I did notice that Grandma didn't really seem to remember who I had been dating as I went on talking about him. I reminded her, but I didn't think much of it at the time. It wasn't until my mom said something a while later that she was showing signs of Alzheimer's disease. She went on about the symptoms she was now showing. All I could think about was my last conversation with her. Everything made sense now. All these years, we would talk and talk about everything. We would laugh. She always knew, and if she didn't, she would ask. It was so different the last time. It was almost like I was talking to a stranger, but I think she knew it was me. At least I hope she did... That was the last time I spoke with either one of my Grandparents. That was almost two years ago. This breaks my heart. I wonder if my Grandpa questions why I stopped calling...or if he knows in his heart why, but then feels abandoned. He is still valuable after all...even if I can't talk with Grandma (because she won't know who I am). Grandpa cries now, because of Grandma. She is getting physically worse. We always thought Grandma would be the one to take care of Grandpa until he goes home to the Lord. It just wasn't going to be this way. She was always the caregiver. I have always hated this disease more than most, if not all. I value my memories that I've made with others more than almost anything. I miss my Grandma, and I can't even imagine what Grandpa feels. My heart aches for him as his body hurts of old age and for his Love (Grandma). She is there somewhere. I know I must call him. I love him. I must tell him I am sorry for abandoning him. I must tell him Jesus loves him and is there, always there...just in case he forgot. ...And for whatever the reason, he is still here and so is his Love. And that I am praying for him and Grandma. (One of my very favorite artist and her husband, JJ and Dave Heller. I listened to this song with Grandpa in mind. "Your Hands" is one of my favorite songs.) My whole world was changed back in 2008. My heart loved like it has never before. It grew quickly, and it became my mission to make this man happy and well loved. After all, I loved him. My love for him was consuming. I thought about him throughout my day. I day dreamed, we wrote each other about our love, and I went to sleep thinking about nothing else but him. I couldn't be happier. That first year was magical. I knew for sure by month six that I wanted to marry him.
Within the second year I learned more of what it meant to love unconditionally, since we had overcome some big challenges. I'd follow this man anywhere I decided. I'd do just about anything (because I was). But it was then that a war started to break out within me. Who am I? Why did I tell him things were ok when they weren't? Why wasn't I strong enough to fight for the things that were important to me? Why am I so weak? I am important! Why can't I communicate well? Why is this so hard?...Six months of this...crying, thinking, reading about relationships, praying, and listening to God... How do you possibly begin to start thinking about saying goodbye to the man you love with every fiber of your being...to the man you want to marry, have babies with, grow old with, and die with? You also say goodbye to his family who loves you and you love them... When the time came, he did not fight for me. After all, he knew things were not right the last few months. We mutually agreed it was for the best to go our own way. The journey ahead was hard for both of us. There is no way it was possible for us to travel it together for what needed to happen. This journey by far has been the most painful in my life. It also has been the most teachable. I will love this man forever, despite the great amount of pain that has come. There was quite a process of learning that took place as I moved forward. Here are just a few lessons learned:
A few awesome quotes from Mandy Hale's book, The Single Woman's Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On that just really connected back to this time:
Song that made me think of writing this post: Christina Aguilera - Say Something -A song that I would have cried through if I heard right after the breakup. More to come about moving on and self discovery! The loss of my best friend has not been easy. The ending of our 12 or so year friendship was not my choice. It came rather sudden. As time has passed since February/March of this year, since everything took place, I believe I've done quite well with moving forward (not really moving on - that's different). I think it's been easier because I've experienced loss of people I loved before. I am grateful for this, because the sadness, loneliness, and other emotions I feel or have felt are enough. There's no doubt these feelings would have been stronger if I've never felt what it was like to loose someone before.
Each new season within this year without her, brings a new pain. Memories pop up. The question arises, "Does she even miss me?" We were going to be the old lady best friends sitting on the porch. Maybe that was my dream...I don't know anymore. I remember telling her one day laughing, "You're stuck with me forever." It seemed to be a mutual desire, because we enjoyed our friendship and couldn't imagine life without each other. It is always moments like these that we learn again how quickly things can change in our lives and how we have no control over them. Along with it, we learn to value what we have, take nothing for granite, and to live in the moment treasuring it right then and there. As I lost people, I've also come to learn time-and-time again, our Lord is truly the ONE who will be there for me ALL the time. He will never leave or forsake me. There was a time that I doubted if God and His love was enough. God will prove his unending love, if we're open to it. What so many people may not realize is, I do carry a part of these people (who have left me) with me forever. If they were significant in my life, especially if they loved me and/or I loved them, there is a place for them in my heart. Loyalty is one of my strongest qualities, so when it is time to say goodbye in one way or another, it is very difficult. And over time (even years), I will still wonder about those special people. I suspect I'll take all those people in my heart with me to my grave. Who knows if I'll ever find out the rest of their story for some of them. When I stumbled across this poem years ago, it really helped me to understand why I need to be ok with people leaving my life. I may not always understand why someone has chosen to leave me, but there is a purpose. And aren't we suppose to let go and let God? There are so many situations we have no control over. I can't make someone be my friend or boyfriend. I want to spend time with people that want to spend time with me and who treat/care for me well. I must say, this is the first time that I am not crying regularly for a hole in my heart, for a person I miss more than I think she'll ever realize. However, the tears do come when the loneliness for her sets in on certain occasions. Maybe I've cried too much in my life over enough heartbreak...maybe I'm taking this in strides...or just maybe I'm letting what will be, be. And so, here it is... People Come Into Your Life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. TODAY THANK THE PERSON WHO IN, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, HAVE BEEN PART OF YOUR LIFE even if a small way you can make them feel that you are indeed thankful for their presence as well as the beautiful moments that they have given - no matter if they are your reason, season, or your lifetime. :) Love, Amy |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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