I realized driving home today that there are silent roaring lions and silent crying cats all over in ministry. Throughout this last year, I see it more and more. There is a "cat" in the room that no one is talking about, especially when it comes to working in ministry. I'd like to share bits and pieces of my story, bravely, with you. I want you to know you are NOT alone. I want to bring the cat out of the room and begin conversation that is well overdue. I've had this on my heart for months, but it is not an easy piece to write. Being exposed in difficult times is scary. I pray my vulnerability is only the beginning. Be gentle as you read. I ask that you reflect and pray over what challenges you....what you relate to...and how you can be part of the change. During the last two years, I have gone from the roaring lion screaming inside myself to the silent, crying cat. One day the lion is awake and active, while other days it's the cat pouring out sadness. Sometimes it changes from moment-to-moment. It's very real to have both present. The days are peaceful when the cats are quiet. They are still there though, just at ease for the time being. When did the anger and sadness start? It's hard to know exactly. Without warning everything seemed to get out of hand, way out of control. Before I knew it, I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't recognize me. I was living in a shell going from day-to-day trying to get through it. I looked into chronic stress on the brain. I was experiencing broken/staggered speech, memory loss, anxiety, and uncertainty. Although my MRI came back clean, I wondered what could happen if the stress continued. I read about how the brain can shrink over time due to chronic stress because new brain cells stop growing. As I looked in the mirror, I saw how the stress aged me. I was tired. My spark was gone. I lost my self-confidence for the first time in my professional career. Just like that I was doubting myself and worried about what others may think of my opinions. I missed the woman who stood with conviction and certainty even over small decisions. I began to fake happiness. I had forgotten how hard that is to do, especially in ministry. The facade can only last so long when truth, honesty, and authenticity is buried for the sake of others. Mustering up a smile and saying things were good became almost impossible. Those rare ones who really looked, didn't see happiness. They were the ones who knew I wasn't being who I naturally am. They took the time to see. I began to wonder if anyone really cared if the person God created me to be was slipping away. I knew God cared. It mattered to him that I was not well in so many ways. I couldn't just get through the day or just get stuff done to get it done for too long. When ministry becomes a job, it's time to get out! It became very clear that I was not going to be happy doing what I was doing anymore. It wasn't just a bad year. Enjoying ministry through the ups and downs is one thing. It's another when you change, and it's no longer life-giving. I see myself in others working for the Church. It breaks my heart. Their story is different, but there are common threads weaved throughout. It's like night and day when I see them and their shell. They are tired physically and emotionally. Many are overworked within their ministry and in their personal lives. Some are sick struggling to figure out what is causing them to feel unlike themselves physically, emotionally, and mentally. There are times when ministry (or any job) is not good to us and for us. Our personal life can (also) play a role into the stress, anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger... But there comes a time when it is time to say goodbye. I've seen many who stay too long and year-by-year they disappear. I get it; it feels horrible to leave a ministry job when you're not in your best place. I get that it would be easier to disappear rather than saying goodbye and acting like everything is ok. I get that staying is comfortable in the uncomfortable, because it is what you know. BUT, it is time for change. Maybe it is how you are in ministry. Often it requires forgiveness and letting go of what hasn't gone so well. It is accepting who we are at this exact moment even if it's rock bottom. For some, it is embracing the unimaginable and moving on to something new. It is time for the cats to leave and for your beautiful soul to shine once again. You are far more than a shell. It is ok to realize someone can do what you do better. The children and families deserve our best - a passionate person who loves ministry and is always striving to improve what they're doing. "I don't want to lose myself in someone else's dream" ("Who I'm Meant to Be," by Anthem Lights). How crazy is it to know I'm doing something that someone else dreams of?! BUT, it is true! I know it's time for something new. I know it's time for me to say goodbye. "I want nothing less than who I'm meant to be" (Anthem Lights). I know I am not that right now. As I look to the future, I know God has a plan for me - one where I'm reaching past the surface living purposely and fearlessly...where I am who I'm meant to be. I want nothing less... Every part of this song speaks to me... You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are close to my heart as we struggle to figure this out.
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So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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