If you left your job and "started over" in a completely new way, what would you hope for? What would you plan to change in your "new life?" After a less than spectacular New Year's Eve passed, I had time to really dream about what 2018 would hold. My good friend and I collaged our goals out. It is somewhat of a physical vision board. After Ashely left, I knew I needed to finish it. I first wanted to be able to put into vision what my heart felt like to me. I sat there for a long time. Certainly trying to visualize my painful year or two, was not easy. Here is what it looks like: So much of me felt ripped to shreds, unvalued, unrecognizable with different kinds of wounds. Layer upon layer of brokeness. I knew this brokeness wouldn't be forever. I knew God makes all things new, and I would be made whole again. Wounds heal. I hoped this year would be a time of restoration. So naturally when I was cutting magazines apart looking for words, "A Season of Plenty" spoke to my deepest longing. I want my well to bubble up and overrun. I want this time to be full and plentiful rather than dry and desolate. I know this season has begun! I know that getting back to what makes me me again, will help bring this season to life. But more than that, I pray that the changes I make will bring me to this place. My goals stem from this. I knew to get where I needed to go required a fresh start - something totally different. I wanted to be surrounded by people I could dream with and discover new life. I knew I would need to be very, very brave to make this happen. As I began to train for my new job, God sent me exactly who I needed. Monica is not only awesome at what she does; she has a beautiful soul. I sat with her in awe sometimes as she shared her Catholic faith and life with me. She is where I want to be. I loved listening to the schedule she's planned out for herself. It is a well-balanced life. Monica gets up and spends quiet time with God. She then works out 4 times a week. On Friday mornings she attends daily Mass. When she gets back home she showers and starts her work day. Throughout our weeks together, Monica not only provided skills for my new job, but she was also a wonderful companion in this new adventure I was beginning. She will continue to mentor me throughout the year. I wanted to be innovative. It was time to do something new. I desired to learn new skills and be excited about what I was learning. I knew it was time to go back to school...to be in an environment of dreamers who weren't scared to break out of the norm in a completely different field than I've ever been in before. Shouldn't we be doing this our whole life? I've stayed so close to a particular area for so many years, that I feel like I am losing so much knowledge of everything else around me. Isn't it best to work on your Plan B when you don't need it? I've learned that I need to keep on working on Plan Bs as life goes on. Weather one turns into a Plan A or not, it's always good to have something new in "your pocket." Some of my next goals are the hardest. They will also be the ones that take the most time and little-by-little will fall into place. My physical and emotional health With the stress and busyness of the past, I've let things go. I stopped working out and eating healthy. I began to emotionally eat more than I've ever known in my life. I don't play and have fun anymore. My body is tired, sore, and over burdened by excessive weight gain. I want to get back to being full of energy, sleeping well, and not having memory issues (from stress). In many ways, good physical health is the gatekeeper to happiness in other areas. It really is in most ways actually. It is also the hardest to keep on track. The older I get, the more my body hates being treated poorly. We are not meant to be controlled and addicted to anything. Fasting and ridding the body (or life) of the addictions is a must. Imagine not eating a sweet for the rest of your life, because just one bite sends you into a spiral of binges. It's similar to an alcoholic who takes their first drink or puff of smoke for a smoker after ridding their life of it. It's never good. Changing this in my life is a battle I hate going through. It has always been my consistent cross. I'm very serious when I say, "I may never eat a dessert, sweet, or candy ever again." My goal is to start in July. Next week I'd like to start weaning myself off foods my body reacts to poorly first, so July isn't as hard. A clean and uncluttered home Merging two homes into one hasn't been easy. There are areas of our home that are cluttered with items we rarely or never use. There is a theory of not just organizing all your stuff, but rather getting rid of it. We shouldn't have so much stuff that we're always organizing, sorting, and putting away items. Since I now work out of my home, it is time to chip away at each room making it an inviting, peaceful place. Financial and time freedom Not too long ago Matt and I finally put our expenses and income together into one account. We certainly have a long way to go to be where we want to be. The two of us can only grow stronger in an area that is one of our weaknesses. When I think of my opening question, "What do I hope for?" I think of stress-free time where I'm not worrying about the next day. My night or weekends are mine to spend with family and friends...to lose track of time with no need to rush off somewhere. I absolutely love my Sundays now. We wake up and go to church together as a family. After, we make lunch and do whatever. Imagine walking freely with no cares in a field or flower garden. This is how I want my time to feel like right now. I actually checked out a book for leisure hoping I can fit it into my schedule (along side reading for school). If you know me well, I usually read non-fiction. I think I need to bring some fiction into my world. I'm very aware that my life will not always feel like this, but it can be the place with which I live out of. One day I opened up a devotional (book) I recognized from my childhood. It was originally published in 2005. I paged to the day it was and found that it was what my heart needed at that exact moment with what was going on in my life. It talked about doing work differently. Living at a different pace. It's exactly what my discerning self needed. The book is called, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, by Sarah Ban Breathnach. In the preface, Sarah writes: "Simple Abundance wasn't meant to be a book at all. It began as a process devised to help me discover, possibly for the first time in my life, what mattered most....One morning I woke up physically exhausted and spiritually bankrupt; money was tight, too. I was so sick and tired of concentrating on what was missing from my life. I felt drained, depleted, discouraged. So, I forced myself to sit down at the kitchen table and start writing an inventory of what was good in my life, right at that moment." This book is in response to the list of gratitude she wrote down that day and the ones that followed. That day I read from it, was the Holy Spirit's doing. Since then, I have purchased this book and plan to make it a part of my day and prayer. I can relate so much with Sarah. I want to change that. I'm so in love with the phrases simple abundance, season of plenty, and bountiful. I pray that God teaches me about all three in this time of change. My last goal is a very special, personal one. You may know that autumn is my favorite season. When I was discerning and thinking of goals that I really want to turn into reality, this one came to me. I want to enjoy autumn for all its beauties. In ministry fall is the busiest time of year. You're never really able to breathe in this season for all it's worth, because of the hustle to get programs started. More than anything, I want to be blessed with this dream. So, what if you made a change in your life and so much of what you know looked completely different? What would you want? What do you need in your life that God keeps whispering to you? What have you been putting off? Is there something you keep doing without life because it's what's normal? What does your season of abundance and plenty look like? What would you change? As I'm finishing this up, this awesome song comes on YouTube. It's about all of this! God is so good! Come, Holy Spirit, I invite you into the very depths of my being. Lead me, guide me, coach me, encourage me, and challenge me. Direct me in all things. Teach me to become a great decision maker, so that in every moment of every day I can choose what is good, right, noble, and just.
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Imagine a full room of people. They're gathering for an award ceremony and a speech is about to begin. You're walking down the hallway to this room when before you know it, you're escorted into the room and to the very last chair. People are everywhere. You wonder how there is even one chair left, open, and just for you. How do you feel? Maybe you feel awkward and overwhelmed by this. Perhaps you sense everyone's eyes on you. Quickly, you wish you had arrived earlier. Some of you probably would like to run right back out of the room. Picture instead that you are who they were waiting for. The chair was for no other, but you. You came at the right time. Love and joy surround you. There are faces you recognize and some you don't, but there is an excitement in the air. As the presentation starts, your heart fills with gratitude and joy. You love this place, and you are so glad you are sitting in this exact place at that very moment. The world around you disappears. What does this remind you of? Before I started writing, I had no idea what this experience reminded me of. I just knew how I felt the other day when this happened. Of course, God works through our everyday experiences. There is nothing better in this world of sin and pain when we receive glimpses of what heaven is like. You see, there is a place waiting for you in heaven. You will come at the very right time. Our days are numbered and this earthly place is not our final home. Love and joy will surround us and we'll recognize some faces and other's we won't. There will be excitement in the air. This joy and longing for heaven comes to me at funerals most of all. You would think that despair is the most prominent feeling I experience when a loved one or someone I care about dies, but it isn't. I can't wait to be in heaven. So, as I pray for this beautiful soul to be in the loving arms of Jesus, I long for this place of peace, love, and joy. To enter into a place with my loved ones surrounding me and where the pain from this world is washed away, is my deepest longing. There is nothing better to be in God's home with Him. It is what I wait for. Of course there are people of this world I don't want to leave behind when it's my time. There are dreams I still want to experience. But all of that doesn't matter. I wouldn't be carrying that loss into heaven with me. So, I ask you again, what does that chair just for you in a crowded room look and feel like? What does the anticipation of heaven look like in your life? Do you live a life everyday that is preparing for heaven? How is the devil pulling you closer to him? What changes do you need to make? Are you helping others to fall in love with Jesus and long for this place? |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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