Have you heard, "If you want to make God laugh, make plans?" As I continue to navigate through life I continue to learn what it looks like to rely on God, his timing, and his will (or plans) for me. Sure, I set goals and make plans, but I leave room for God. I certainly have learned in different ways that if I try to chart out my life exactly how I think it should or will go, it will not go according to plan. My plans are not God's! But, that is a beautiful thing! When I went off to college, I never imagined growing out of my shyness. I never imagined struggling in few classes. I had no idea that I would fall in love that first year with Christ (not a guy) and what he did for me. I learned how to move on from a high school crush who strung me along with no intentions of a real relationship. I prayed everyday and read the Bible regularly. What was my college plan? To become a teacher, find someone and marry him, and to start a family shortly after. None of that really happened. I started to really trust God for the first time during my last semester while I was student teaching. I mean like really trust him. It went much deeper than, "Oh, yeah, I trust God." It was the first time I truly had to rely on him. Over and over again the Holy Spirit was showing me that teaching was not right for me. I had crazy dreams like never before. I would wake up thinking about teaching. When I got home from being in the classroom all day, I prepared for the next day from after dinner until 11pm each night. I was in a challenging 4th grade with a wide variety of behavior management problems. I didn't seem to love it, nor my middle school placement. Where was the "magic moments" I witnessed when I volunteered in classrooms? Why did my heart feel torn, stressed, and full of anxiety? Looking back, I was just going through it. I wasn't horrible at it, but I wasn't flourishing. While I applied for teaching jobs after I graduated, I wasn't sure where God was leading me. He pressed upon my heart to do something more with my Catholic faith, so I got involved with teaching Faith Formation and volunteering with the Youth Ministry Program while I subbed. "Was this it, God? Is this what you're leading me to?" I wondered. When I looked for a long-term sub position, I came across my first job in ministry. I applied, interviewed, took the job, and moved all within a week or two. I was excited to find out if this was what God put on my heart, so I trusted him with my livelihood, with my happiness, and with everything I had. I still get teary-eyed telling this story. I was blessed in so many ways that first year, and I saw how amazing God's plans were. Although I knew people would be thinking I threw away my education and wasted money, I knew it wouldn't matter. It didn't matter when people would say, "When are you getting a real job?" It was clear that if God called me into ministry, it was where I was meant to be. Everything else didn't matter. I loved college. I learned so much about myself, life, people, faith, different areas of study (including teaching), the world, and professionalism. I use that experience and my degree everyday of my life. I wouldn't have done it any other way, really! So, here I am almost 12 years later laying my life down trusting the Lord to show me what's next. Within those years, I have story-after-story of God's plans, being faithful, and the blessings that followed. It definitely hasn't always been an easy road, but I am a better person because of it. All that time has lead me to where I am now. It has taught me how to have radical love and trust in God in a world that draws us away from him and his plans. Did I ever think I would be doing anything else besides ministry? Absolutely not! A few years ago a co-worker of mine was saying something about when I am no longer in ministry and doing something else... I told her I wouldn't be doing anything else. That this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I can still picture where we were standing when she said that to me. But life changes and things happen. What lit my heart on fire, doesn't anymore (at least not in the same way). And, that is ok! I truly believe that I am needed in a different way now. As a door is closing, I know there is another one opening. I've learned to not look back and wish for something different. I've learned to not compare. I know nothing is staying the same, that change is the only constant. I believe that the living is in the present, and God has something in the works for me. So why did God give me these 6 months to discern and transition? Maybe he knows I am slow to take to change...to embrace it and flourish especially when it's such a big change. Maybe he gave me more time because of all the changes in my life in the last 2 years. I bet he's preparing me for something in the future that I'm more prepared for now. Whatever it is, I bet I'll be able to look back someday and say, "Now I get it." P.S. Ministry work is a real job. It's far more than a job. It's leading people to Christ.
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So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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