I am grateful that I do not suffer like some people do with migraines where they are sick in bed with the shades pulled every single time one comes on. Although there are times you will find me this way or I'd prefer to be in bed, this is usually not the case. Most of the time I will (and be able to) continue to do activity even though it is uncomfortable. It is during this time that I am waiting for my medication to kick in, or unfortunately, without my medication and trying to make it until I can take it.
Each migraine sufferer is different. The type of migraine is different - how it comes and how it affects them. For me my migraines usually start in my forehead (one or both sides) and then it my stay and/or move down into my face where my sinuses are. This is why the doctors thought I had a sinus infection. The pain feels like a horrible sinus infection. Pressure feels wonderful to the face. From my neurologist and from reading books from the library on migraines, I've learned that I DO NOT suffer from headaches. Just because I am not sick in bed, puking, etc. I suffer from migraines. This took a while to be able to claim without hesitation of my fear of being judged.
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I thought I would post about migraines, since I do not walk alone as a sufferer/survivor who has been diagnosed with them. They truly are the silent cries, because if we could we would cry from the pain. However, the pain would only increase if we allowed the tears to come, so they just remain silent - absent. I was diagnosed in the summer of 2011 with migraines. My doctors ruled out a variety of different potentials first: 1. Sinus infection - since the pain was so intense in my sinus area. However, the CT scan showed healthy, beautiful sinuses. I also was on antibiotics before, which did nothing. I've read that patients are often given antibiotics for no infection, when in fact, they have migraines. 2. Allergy Test - I decided to do this test also, just to make sure. The scratch test showed that I had no allergies. I can't remember now if I did any other testing before I was sent to a neurologist, who later diagnosed me with migraines. After I went to see her, she gave me a sheet of what foods I should stay away from and what were ok. This was supposed to help me learn my tigger foods. I remember feeling so helpless going back home, because most of the foods in the house were foods I shouldn't eat. I wasn't sure where to begin. It was like starting all over. So much of our food contains MSG and is processed. And what if I don't have the time to always cook fresh? My mind soared with questions and concerns. I was put on medication to prevent my weekly migraines. I've also been on a medication for when I have migraines. This one I need to take with an over-the-counter medication and it can take several hours for it to work. Both have changed my life, and the last one makes life manageable eventually again. I see my neurologist every few months for a check up, to test to make sure the medications are not affecting my organs negatively, and to talk about any concerns I may have. I also call when I am having a bad week to see what can be done. I have found other drugs (in addition to what I've used) to be ineffective during those more challenging times. During these past years I have found it helpful to read books from the library about migraines. There are four stages to a migraine, although I can't remember what they are called. Before a migraine, during, and after are the stages. They are different for each person and the severity range also. It has taken some time to learn what my triggers are. I am still learning them. I do come to some points where I do let go of a personal attachment and love for some food/drink items, because I know it will hurt me if I consumed them. The pay off is NOT worth it in the long run. Some of my triggers are:
I am not sure yet how much weather pattern changes affect me. It can for a lot of people. Since it is late in the next post I will share about what my migraines are like (how they move throughout my face), how I differ from other migraine sufferers, and anything else I can think about. Goodnight! Praise Jesus day 2 is about to close. Day 2 was tempting, but I had Day 1 put away. It was a day for the books. However, my friends, that was the problem. I almost went the whole day without recalling my mission. Of course this was awesome physically, but not spiritually. Here we were all sending Lauren off to China and my mind was forgetful all morning.
THEN, the afternoon workout came and the physical pain kicked in. If that doesn't get your mind working and thinking about all sorts of things, I don't know what would. :) I looked at the clock to see what time it was. It was the afternoon. Lauren was leaving Georgia in the afternoon. AWESOME! I didn't miss it! I gave up my physical suffering in a spiritual way connecting it to any pain (worry, fear, doubt, etc.) that Lauren may have felt at that time. I prayed for her and ask God to relieve any of these feelings and to fill her with peace. I also realized how hard this is going to be for Carly especially. I prayed for her. I thought about how this fast could end up being all about me. It sounds horrible, yes I know, but think about it. I am doing the physical work. It could be easy to not connect it to the spiritual. It actually takes more work to go beyond the physical, especially when the physical is hard enough. It is in our human nature to think about ourselves first. So, I am grateful that the opportunity came to me while I worked out. As a result I had the chance to realize how easy this opportunity can slip away from me - an opportunity to be a true prayer warrior for Lauren and growing in my relationship with God through fasting from desserts and sweets. The physical says, "Just fast from desserts, because it's good for you." The spiritual says, "There is so much to be offered here, because I have so much to give you (Love, God)." After all of this and a good workout, I felt good! Day 1 was good. Trainer Tyler was busy with other people. Too bad. A high five was in store. After all, it was day 1. A lot happened on that elliptical, and it was exciting. It was worth celebrating. ______________________________________________ Day 2 - Today Today anything would have been good. Give me any dessert or M & Ms. Was it withdrawals? Was it stress? Was it simply rebelling? Was it a hard day for Lauren? This I do not know. I do know that Carly misses her sister. It doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend or school to keep her busy. Eleven months is a very long time. I call my sister every few DAYS. Now with living closer, I've been blessed with regular phone communication even during the school year. When we lived 2 hours away, this wasn't how it was for us. So, I value this time even more now. I think about the comfort and joy this brings us. I think about how Lauren and Carly do this for each other, too. What if I couldn't really communicate with my sister for 11 months? My heart is heavy and my eyes are filled with tears for these sisters, but especially Carly tonight. I can't wait for Lauren and her team to meet people to share the love of Christ with them. They need that and these lovely women more than we need Lauren right now. That's a pretty amazing thing. I realized that with the desserts. They don't even compare to the work The World Racers are doing (their sacrifice). Then I watched a video of a woman on youtube that has done some kind of mission work. Then again I realized how much these people in these countries need her more than we need Lauren back in the U.S. She was called at this time by God to do what she is doing. Soon we will be watching a similar video like I watched with smiles and tears knowing our own pain was nothing but a small sacrifice for the greater good. It always has been difficult for me to be in Scripture regularly. Put me in a Bible Study and I am set. There is just something about it that makes it difficult when I am alone. I suppose there is no accountability and active conversation between people. I wonder too long and too much about where to start, instead of just digging in.
I remember in college when I read Scripture consistently for the first time. Bible studies introduced me to God's Word, but from there I read on my own. I underlined words and verses that spoke to my heart and taught me how to live a truly authentic Christian lifestyle. I was coming to KNOW Jesus, not just KNOW ABOUT Jesus for the first time. It was an amazing adventure. I started praying to Jesus in a personal way daily like I've never known before. It was amazing. If I can recall all of this - what awaits for me in this living book, why do I put it off? Why can't I just put this discipline in my life? I've said for too many years, I'd like to be in Scripture regularly. Well, the time has come where it has to happen. Scripture has to be one of my supports while on this fast. I will need spiritual nourishment as I pray for Lauren, but also while I long for the physical. I also will be teaching teens about Scripture, so I will naturally be preparing for this by being in the Word. I plan to open tomorrow in Scripture, so I best get to bed! _______________________________________________ To date, identified supports for my fast: 1. Scripture 2. My boyfriend: Encourage me, check in to see how I am doing, and to refrain from desserts when with me (although I gave him permission to do otherwise hehe) My late Wednesday night was rough. Sleeping was rough. I missed my alarm. Correction, I didn't even hear my alarm go off Thursday morning. I had 20 minutes to get ready for my very early morning appointment. I was only a few minutes late. As I was waiting, I started watching Good Morning America on the tv. I used to watch this morning news show faithfully back in 2006-2007 before Diane Sawyer left. Unfortunately, when she left, so did I. However, I still love Robin Roberts. A song caught my attention, actually. Mandisa was signing, "Overcomer," and her music video had Robin in it showing her battle on it. The video was showing other well-known people. The lyrics were so encouraging, I felt on top of my "game" for continuing my fight in my fitness goals. Here are the lyrics: Staring at a stop sign Watching people drive by T Mac on the radio Got so much on your mind Nothing's really going right Looking for a ray of hope Whatever it is you may be going through I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you You're an overcomer Stay in the fight ‘til the final round You're not going under ‘Cause God is holding you right now You might be down for a moment Feeling like it's hopeless That's when He reminds You That you're an overcomer You're an overcomer Everybody's been down Hit the bottom, hit the ground Oh, you're not alone Just take a breath, don't forget Hang on to His promises He wants You to know The same Man, the Great I am The one who overcame death Is living inside of You So just hold tight, fix your eyes On the one who holds your life There's nothing He can't do He's telling You There are two more days left until I begin my fast from desserts and candy for 11 months. I have some work to do yet. I need to figure out who/what will be my supports. This takes careful planning. I need to think through who/what can support me and in what ways. This then needs to be written down.
I wrote an email explaining my plan to my co-workers yesterday. This was important so they could be supportive. We eat together often and desserts are shared regularly from a staff member or a parishioner. I just finished reading about fasting - the Christian history of it and the reasons to fast. Matthew Kelly's chapter in Rediscover Catholicism, was excellent. I'd like to share a few of his thoughts here: Before I do, I wanted to say, that I chose fasting from desserts because they have too much of a control over my life since I was young. I have a lack of discipline in this area of my life. I want to break that. It will be hard, therefore, I will constantly be reminded to pray for Lauren as I desire desserts. "You cannot be healthy and happy without discipline. In fact, if you want to measure the level of happiness in your life, just measure the level of discipline in your life. You will never have more happiness than you have discipline. The two are directly related to one another." "In a sense, the body is like money - a great servant, but a horrible master. Fasting is one of the ingenious practices that the Church teaches us to ensure that the body does not become our master." "Far from seeing discipline as a friend in our quest to love and be loved, we treat discipline as a disease. The notion of freedom proclaimed by the modern world is anti-discipline. But true freedom cannot be separated from discipline." "...fasting is not merely a physical practice or another personal accomplishment; rather, it is a spiritual exercise." What does fasting do? 1. Releases ourselves from our attachments to the things of this world. 2. Serve as a reminder that everything in this world is passing and thus encourages us to consider life beyond death. 3. Fosters a loving acknowledgment of our utter dependence on God. 4. Helps us become aware of God's presence in our lives and the world around us. 5. Makes us aware of God's absence in different areas of our lives. 6. Draws us nearer to God and opens our hearts to receive His many gifts. 7. Expresses sorrow for our moral failings and to be restored to wholeness (form of penance). To be given grace to strive with ever more determination to become the-best-versions-of-ourselves. 8. To assist the soul in turning back to God, so we can embrace God more fully in our lives. "Fasting is to the body what prayer is to the soul." "Fasting should always be accompanied by the inner attitude of conversion." "Our lives change when our habits change." "If you wish to have a rich and abundant experience of life, you must allow your soul to soar. But in order to do that, you first need to tame and train the body. You cannot win this war once a week, once a year, or even once a day. From moment to moment, our desires need to be harnessed. Fasting helps us to turn our backs on the-lesser-version-of-oursleves and embrace the-best-version-of-ourslves." "Fasting is radically counterculture, but so is Christianity." "Our bodies are vehicles that God has given our souls to experience life in the material realm. Until we get a grip on our bodies, we will never get a grip on life. Until we learn to reign over our bodies we never really experience all that life can be." These quotes are so true. They are exciting! This list is very helpful and important as well. I just realized what 11 months actually means. It's a little different once you count the months out. It's a little frighting! September October November December January February March April May June July This includes holidays, birthdays (mine included of course), and who the heck knows what else... How else have I prepared? I have weaned - lessened my dessert intake - but I surely have had my share lately knowing I wouldn't have any in 11 month. I have also talked this through with my spiritual director. She will be with me along the journey as one of my supporters. She asked me what would happen if I slipped, because people react in all sorts of ways when they do. Each moment and day is for starting over if necessary. I won't give up. I will go to my supports. I will start over! This is all for Lauren, the Glory of God, and my relationship with Him. If it weren't for Lauren, I know this probably would be easier to give up. But when I connect someone I love to a task, I don't give up very easily. So, what will be the motivator here? I have an appointment I need to make. It's that kind we all would like to avoid. The kind that are difficult. Of course it involves conflict with another person. I will be sharing how things aren't going well anymore and how my feelings can be hurt at times. This is never easy. Everything can be taken personal, because it is personal after all.
I have always been an advocate for taking care of the conflict head on with the source. I think this avoids problems in the long run, and it helps everyone to become a better person. After all, aren't we suppose to help each other grow in holiness? Unfortunately, this process is not an easy one all the time. Even asking for a time to sit down to talk about how things are going with the two of us, is not an easy task. Then when the time comes, it will take a lot of quick moment decision making to know what are the right words for each moment. So, this is where I am at right now. Today I was on a race. I wanted to get to the gym. I wanted to workout. I had abandoned the gym for a week, and I missed it. I MISSED IT. Can you believe those words? I have said them before in the last few months. Those are good feelings! I need to make appointments with myself like this in order to keep personal fitness and health a priority. In the summer it can be easier to do this, so it is even more important to make these appointments and KEEP THEM during the school year. Life is more structured and busy. So, onward the race went. I got into the gym. I checked in with trainer Tyler. I almost admitted to him that I missed training with him. I didn't omit this information from him for a particular reason at the time. But I guess I needed to sit with this realization. The training is hard. It challenges everything within me - way beyond the physical. Many times I recommitted myself each and every time I showed up. So, why did I miss it?! Because I am stubborn, and I am not giving up! I have committed my life to becoming healthier. My #1 motivator (especially during training and why I came back...sometimes my only reason) is my bad back. I HAVE TO gain strength in my back and core. I will not continue a lifestyle of weekly chiropractor visits. I have successfully stopped this for the most part since June of this year. When I workout my back feels better. This is an everyday thing for me, however. If I don't, I do notice a huge difference. Obviously, I have these days. After my visit with Tyler, it was time to "suit up" and get a move on. And so I did. The elliptical is my machine of choice and I jam to music. I felt like I was on a race the entire time. Afterwards I did all sort of stuff for my core and back. I felt good. I felt empowered on my own! My stubbornness tells me that I need to figure out how to do this without a trainer walking me through it if I can't afford him all the time. It tells me I can do this. I have the motivation. It also tells me that I need to prove it to myself. I of course laugh as I write that last sentence. Most people don't come to know my stubbornness well. It comes into play when I am passionate about something - when I believe in it. I'm sure there's the other kind, but there's no space for that here. lol. Amazing things can happen when you are a part of my passions. Another motivator right now: clothes. I have walked into my "other closet" several times now to "be stared down" by beautiful clothes that are too small yet. I do not have an in between size for shirts. I am not sure what happened. Did I donate them? hmm. So much of my clothes, I've been wearing for years. I have gone down in pants size (YAY) and a few tops are too big. I am so sick of my clothes, BUT I can't fit into any of those shirts...AND there are so many of them. So onward I go. There are shirts from 2008 that I am dying to wear. This requires 50 more pounds. Once that time comes there will be a celebration, because that will be all the weight gone that I gained while I dated Andrew...and with that comes much more than the physical pounds. ~ My chains will be gone...(fully) I will be set free...(completely) My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy rains Unending love, amazing grace This I know is true: the Lord has called my cousin, Lauren, to leave all but a few belongings and to GO and follow Him! She will be doing this by sharing His love to all different types of people in all sorts of ways in 11 countries in 11 months. One country per month through an organization called, The World Race. This I also know without a doubt: the Lord has bonded Lauren to me spiritually. I care for her (and her sister, Carly), more than she probably can understand. This love and deep concern continues, because before their mother (my Godmother), Sherry, passed, I promised I would help take care of both girls just like she did for me. She did a beautiful job of showing me what it was like to be a Godmother. I treasure every moment with these beautiful women. Both Lauren and Carly have served the Lord by serving others on many other missions before. Each one had a purpose all its own. The World Race will as well. However, this mission is different for Lauren and for our family. It is more than a week or two. It is 11 MONTHS. She will be in some very trying situations, in difficult countries. She will not be able to come home. Luxuries will not sooth. Trust in the Lord rings out over and over again! Fear not! Knowing this and what could come her way, I knew she needed constant prayer. "I KNOW I wouldn't be good at keeping up on it, since my prayer life hasn't been what it should be. I need something to discipline me." After discerning (including God in on the decision making process) what it is that I should do, I realized that I should be fasting from something that has control over my life. I knew that if I took it out of my life, it would be hard...similar to Lauren's hardships and challenges (being in solidarity with her). After asking God what I could fast from which would be affective for this goal, it came to me. DESSERTS. I have always been in love with desserts. So, the goal is:
I will explain in my next post what has all happened since this decision was made. "There is no fear in love...." 1 John 4:18 And so I close with this... I chose to be a consistent prayer warrior for Lauren out of love. I do fear that there will not be enough people praying enough...praying hard enough...regularly...as intensely as needed, but I need to let that go and dedicate myself to what I've decided. I know that Lauren is so blessed and loved that she will receive what she needs when she needs it. I too, must trust in the Lord. It is amazing what the Lord does in you, once you've bonded yourself to someone and their mission when you've committed to being their prayer warrior. As I've prepared for Lauren's departure, I've come to this trip and Lauren in ways that neither one of us had planned. Stay tuned... |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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