It has been a bumpy road journeying towards the answer to this question. It still is. I suppose it is a work in progress. Maybe the question stared me down straight on when I was filling out my dating profile one time and my sister said, "What are your hobbies? What DO YOU do for fun now?" I sat there in a thought of nothingness. "What do I like to do?" I just got done reading her my profile. It was listed full of activities I used to do. The nothingness made me feel down right horrible. And the passion for some things went away when someone else left my life.
The question came up again while I went on first dates. "Do I sound interesting enough?" Who knew. hehe At a really difficult moment full of tears, this very real and raw thought came to me. It still does. As I come to figure out what it is that I want to do with my free time and as I develop hobbies, there is a hunger and desire to do nothing more than to be doing all the things that mothers are doing. I would give up all my free time as a 30-something-year-old to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Give me those diaper changes, meal preps, bath times, etc. I don't want to be developing new hobbies. What should be my hobbies right now? Being a mother! Almost everyone else my age is a mother. (Please do not console me on this matter. Most people do not know how to. Please just come to understand my point and pain here. Do know this is not jealousy. This is a cross I carry, and it is one I continue to work on with God.) Last year I identified that I used to put so much of myself into my job and a past relationship that I failed to develop myself in many ways. This was a very painful realization. When the relationship started to fail and I started to move on, I began to realize this and to what extent. However, I didn't realize I did this with work until last year. Having both together to reflect on made me realize that I had little time to devote to developing myself. I lost myself in him and work. After the relationship ended, I promised I would never let that happen again. After I realized this with work, I immediately started making changes in hopes that it would make a difference and my heart would come back to ministry. I realized much needed to happen in order to develop myself...my hobbies. I had to be intentional. On Friday I had a visitor that came to talk with me at work. We chatted about work related items first, but then she asked me about how I came to work in ministry and so on. And then she asked the BIG QUESTION! hehe I had to think quick, but this time around, I felt like I had something to share with her that was true. I'd like to share my progress with you! My hobbies/joys:
Of course there are more hobbies I've like to develop, but it is a work in progress like I've said. There are surely ones I've let go of. I do think they will come back, but maybe in a different capacity when the time is right. My love for cooking and baking (including cake decorating), for example. For now, developing new hobbies is what I'll do as I continue to figure out what vocation God is calling me into/will bless me with. (vocations - single life, married life, religious life, priesthood (not for me of course, being female)).
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There was a woman afflicted with hemorrhages for twelve years. 26She had suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors and had spent all that she had. Yet she was not helped but only grew worse. 27She had heard about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak. 28 She said, “If I but touch his clothes, I shall be cured.” 29Immediately her flow of blood dried up. She felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction. 30Jesus, aware at once that power had gone out from him, turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who has touched my clothes?” 31But his disciples said to him, “You see how the crowd is pressing upon you, and yet you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” 32And he looked around to see who had done it. 33The woman, realizing what had happened to her, approached in fear and trembling. She fell down before Jesus and told him the whole truth. 34He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has saved you. Go in peace and be cured of your affliction.” Mark 5:25-34 It came to me a few days ago that I need to be asking God to heal me of my migraines. If I pray this prayer for ten or more years, it is a prayer I need to be praying. I need to be begging and crying out to God! And if that prayer isn't answered for some time, then I need to invite Him into this struggle asking Him to be with me along the way. Please give me the wisdom I need to become smarter in understanding my specific disease...give me the strength to endure. Many people were cured by Jesus in the Bible. The faith these people had! Why not me, too? This thought came to me as I thought back to the crippled man that I've been reflecting on in my last few blogs. If it wasn't for him and the reflections from Hannah while in China, I don't think I would be picturing myself on the ground like the hemorrhaging woman reaching out to Jesus. Imagine bleeding extensively for 12 years...oh how weak she must have been. Would she have any joy? When I have migraines, it is a constant pain that chips away at anything that I am trying to do. Take the full capacity of that positive emotion and cut it down. Do the same for the physical. Do I want them for the rest of my life? No. Do I want to be healed some how, someway? Yes! Through a miracle? I'll take that today, yes Jesus! If not that, through figuring this out, "Jesus help me through this, give me wisdom and knowledge." Prayer changes things. That is a sign. You actually could buy it somewhere and hang it in your house. Our prayers don't always get answered the way WE may want them to and in our time, but they DO get answered. I am a believer in prayer, and I think it is about time I start praying for my miracle to be healed. I am only foolish to have a lack of faith to think it can't be done. Our God is never too small to handle our problems. I was late to work one day last week, because I couldn't find my fall coat. It was a cold morning, which required much more than what I had on. I threw on a sweatshirt thinking, "This will have to do." I finally found my coat the next morning, but to my amazement and disappointment, it was too big! I was excited, oh yes! But, darn it, I was sure all my smaller coats were in a tub somewhere from when I moved. I didn't have time for this. I day dreamed for the next few days while I was away about the coats in the tub. Would they fit? Which one(s) would fit? I thought to myself, "The one that really needed to fit is my black winter pea coat. I can always look around this weekend for a fall one to purchase in the mean time." About an hour ago, I found the tub of coats! I am thrilled, my friends. My black pea coat from 2008 fits, all but the last button! Oh how I missed this coat. IT WILL FIT THIS WINTER. IT WILL! I'm guessing, I need to lose 10ish pounds. In the meantime, I bought a fall coat that will work until I need it. I refuse to by another winter coat. This of course has provided wonderful motivation for the next month. It also supplies me with, "This is why you are doing this. Now keep going!" I like to call this awesome affirmation! How amazing is this: Going into the cooler months with motivation and feeling good about yourself? Rock ON! Now, all of you that DO THE WORK know that just because I have this whole thing going on, doesn't mean it's easy. I'm on that machine. I'm doing those stretches. I'm trying to eat healthy. I am sweating. I battle with myself to stop and continue on...fight, push harder, be a warrior, you can do it! I realize how much I need to do more strength training. I want to start yoga. It takes a lot of time out of my schedule. I had a horrible week of migraines and only worked out once. I lift myself back up again and get back to it. Life moves forward. This is my life now. I started to form the habit at the end of May 2013. It is a habit. It is a habit. Saying it over and over again feels good. Habit means it is a part of life. That is good. Very good indeed. When will you start your physical fitness habit? We are given only one body. It is our job to take care of it. It is sacred. The Holy Spirit is within it. God created it out of His image and likeness. I went to a conference on addictions a few years ago through work. So many of us have addictions to food, myself included. Often, we can't do anything social without eating as well. We can't stop ourselves from overindulging. Food taste so good. We eat when we're not even hungry. What does hunger really feel like? Actually...we just decide we can't stop...when in reality, we can stop. Do we live to eat or eat to live? I heard that saying again just a few days ago at work. When I did Weight Watchers back from 2004-2006, I learned what it meant to eat to live rather than to live to eat. I think I am starting to get back to that. I learned what hunger felt like back then. We are suppose to wait to eat until we are really hungry. I just remembered learning that back then now. I know, I got off topic. Some inspirational quotes for now as my pea coat waits for me and as you work on your own goals. I just glanced at the date in the lower corner of my computer screen. October 12. Has it really only been a month (and two days)? It has. It has been 32 days that I have been fasting from desserts. For some of you that is close to a Lent time of fasting from desserts. I knew I was coming close to that. I mentioned that to my friend on the phone yesterday. People usually struggle through what they give up for Lent. So, how has this last month been for me?
Someone said to me just the other day, "So, it hasn't been that hard, has it?" My response, "Just because I don't talk about it everyday, doesn't mean it is not hard. Yesterday I woke up wanting warm chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. The day before I wanted a vanilla ice cream cone." I decided to stop the list there. "This is like coffee to you. Imagine going without coffee every single day." This is precisely why I chose desserts, because I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I have an addiction to desserts. I have passed by some pretty amazing desserts, my friends. People have rationalized how a dessert food item technically could be my breakfast, although it is still a sweet food item, just because that was what was offered where we were. I have to plan to bring food sometimes, so I don't fall into this trap or go hungry (which wouldn't be the worse thing). We have work parties, youth bring in food, seasonal food is made at home and work, and so on. All of this is to be expected, and it will continue. It is only one month in. A few weeks back I stood there thinking, "Maybe I could just have one bite." That of course is not what I signed myself up for. I am better than that. And of course, that is a very slippery slope. I long for the peanut M & Ms. I wanted them last night. Dessert after supper, at least every once in a while is hard. After all, I've been so good. :) This isn't a thought I can really have this time. Why? I am not doing this for dietary reasons. I am fasting from desserts for Lauren's mission. When I feel pain, I give it up to the Lord. I think about her pain and pray for her. I feel as though I am in solidarity with her. I started this even before she left as I prepared for this fast. This is very different than, I ate healthy all week, so now I can have one dessert. So, is my fast hard? Yes and no. It is hard, because I chose something that I knew would tempt me (and the devil would use easily to tempt me) regularly. It is easier than I thought, because I am doing this fast for someone I love in mind, bringing her to someone WE LOVE - Jesus Christ - in prayer. That is pretty amazing. When fasting from anything is connected to something spiritual (our Lord), it should be easier if we are really taking the time to make it that way. I think too many people don't do enough of the spiritual work when they give something up for Lent, and it just becomes giving something up for Lent. Aren't we suppose to be learning to depend more on Jesus, growing closer to him, and depending less on that item? Why do we rely so much on that item? So many people just go back to the way they were before those 40 days. I wonder if anything really happened. We can fast from anything in our lives that has too much of a control over it at anytime. As a result, (at the end of the fast, whatever the duration of the fast) you learn about yourself and why it has control over you. You can break that control if you let it and ask Jesus to help along the way. It doesn't have to be food. It could be watching too much tv, gossiping, negative talk about others and/or self, wasting time, spending too much money, putting people down, smoking, etc. If we want to become better, holy people, why wouldn't we fast more often? It is counter-cultural. But in the end, wouldn't we rather be free from these things that keep us from being out best selves? To be honest, I still have no idea what 10 months feels like, but it feels good to have one month in. The updates from Lauren and her teammates help a lot, because I know how to pray better for her and them. They are truly amazing, bold disciples of Christ. For example, this morning I reflected further on the crippled man story. I don't think we have ever seen such a crippled person like him in our whole life here in the United States. Even the poorest of poor are so well taken care of, to see someone walking down our streets like this man only brings my mind back to the time of Jesus?! Amy no! There are other countries where IT IS THIS BAD, IF NOT WORSE. My heart is so broken over this, and I didn't EVEN SEE HIM, DIDN'T EVEN INTERACT WITH HIM. But I do picture him. I think about him. A lot of thoughts are stirring. If you haven't, go back to my last blog and read about him. These World Racers were Jesus to him that day. Our mission field looks very different here in the U.S. I've heard the U.S. is the most spiritually starving of all countries. Of course we will find the countries that hardly know any Christianity like China for example, but we come to the U.S. where we know Christianity well, but we are so caught up in our own lives and desires that we put Jesus, faith, and religion last. Why is it that in some countries there are people that risk their lives each and every time to go to Church for the love of Christ to hear the Word and receive the Eucharist, but we can't even make Jesus a part of our life? On top of that we walk pass people that are all sorts of crippled all the time for whatever reason. There is so much to pray for, to grow in faith for, and to fast for. Song: Give Me Your Eyes, by Brandon Heath http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5AkNqLuVgY&list=PLB4EDBA8CAC548B05 I am hungry for news of Lauren and her teammates as they continue to do active ministry around the world. Yes, I am hungry for this news naturally, because I love my cousin. BUT, IT IS MORE THAN THIS. These beautiful six woman are changing the world back home, too! As they tell us what is happening while they share about Jesus and what is going on within themselves, there is a message for each one of us (sometimes direct, sometimes indirect). I actually love the hidden messages the best, because just maybe they don't even realize the gifts they are giving us. I also love them this way, because I get to interpret what the lesson is that God is teaching me through their experience. There are parts of their blogs that are still with me. It's hard to blog about them unless I capture parts of their blogs here first. That takes time. For example, Lauren's team had dinner with a woman named, Candy. Her parents were divorced over the fact that one was Buddhist and the other was Catholic. The team shared the differences answering her questions. As they shared some Scripture with Candy, she kept saying, "I love this Jesus. This is amazing. I love this book (the Bible)." What stayed with me was this: Imagine having a child-like faith, loving Jesus like I couldn't get enough, and hearing such amazing goodness as if it was the very first time. Let me soak in Jesus. I sat there after I read the words Candy spoke. If only we all could be that way again. How could it be so? I believe it can be so. I believe. I am still sitting in this yet. When the time is right, I'll move into the next sweet stage of, "but how do I make this possible in my life?" (Thank you Libby Alcala for your blog on Candy) Another very profound and early on blog entry was from Kaylaynn McAdams. Her family had placed a rock inside her 50 pound pack as a reminder. She took time to reflect on it as they were instructed to get rid of the items that would weigh them down (metaphorically and physically) on this trip to come before they left. Her reflections touched my heart, because they can apply to our life. We don't have to be traveling across the world carrying a 50 pound bag. "The rock was a hilarious and sweet reminder of how much my family loves me. And also an eye opener into what's really inside my pack. It was the perfect gift. It made me stop to think about the "rocks" I'm carrying around inside my pack. The things that weigh me down and hold me back from doing all God has for me this next year. We can become so distracted by the things we have around us, that we miss greater things right in front of us. I filled my pack to the brim with things I thought I couldn't live without- but I'm learning those things weigh me down from running after the better things in life. Stuff gets stolen, things get lost, back packs aren't waterproof and ultimately it all is gonna break. I have to choose to let the "rocks" in my pack go before they weigh me down from what God is going to do and provide for me." From Hannah -Team Relentless, a women on Lauren's squad (not the five with her on the team...the squad is almost 50 broken into smaller teams) - Read about a cripple man. It just makes me think about him reaching out to Jesus asking to be healed if it were back in Jesus' time. I can feel Hannah's desperation (the Holy Spirit prompting her) to do something for this man. What would I do? What would you do? http://hannahstambaugh.theworldrace.org/?filename=crippled-in-the-streets-of-china There are so many examples from the blogs I could mention. It is amazing staying connected to Lauren reading the blogs, fasting from desserts, and praying for her. As her squad (all the World Racers), I believe, were traveling to Thailand for this month, I was tempted over and over again with desserts. It is pretty interesting how that just happened. My determination is strong, but the temptation grows tiring. I continue to think about what it is that Lauren and these young people are experiencing. I look forward to learning more about this country, the specific ministry the women do, and the pray requests they have. "Oh Jesus...break our heart for what breaks yours..." Casting Crowns The loss of my best friend has not been easy. The ending of our 12 or so year friendship was not my choice. It came rather sudden. As time has passed since February/March of this year, since everything took place, I believe I've done quite well with moving forward (not really moving on - that's different). I think it's been easier because I've experienced loss of people I loved before. I am grateful for this, because the sadness, loneliness, and other emotions I feel or have felt are enough. There's no doubt these feelings would have been stronger if I've never felt what it was like to loose someone before.
Each new season within this year without her, brings a new pain. Memories pop up. The question arises, "Does she even miss me?" We were going to be the old lady best friends sitting on the porch. Maybe that was my dream...I don't know anymore. I remember telling her one day laughing, "You're stuck with me forever." It seemed to be a mutual desire, because we enjoyed our friendship and couldn't imagine life without each other. It is always moments like these that we learn again how quickly things can change in our lives and how we have no control over them. Along with it, we learn to value what we have, take nothing for granite, and to live in the moment treasuring it right then and there. As I lost people, I've also come to learn time-and-time again, our Lord is truly the ONE who will be there for me ALL the time. He will never leave or forsake me. There was a time that I doubted if God and His love was enough. God will prove his unending love, if we're open to it. What so many people may not realize is, I do carry a part of these people (who have left me) with me forever. If they were significant in my life, especially if they loved me and/or I loved them, there is a place for them in my heart. Loyalty is one of my strongest qualities, so when it is time to say goodbye in one way or another, it is very difficult. And over time (even years), I will still wonder about those special people. I suspect I'll take all those people in my heart with me to my grave. Who knows if I'll ever find out the rest of their story for some of them. When I stumbled across this poem years ago, it really helped me to understand why I need to be ok with people leaving my life. I may not always understand why someone has chosen to leave me, but there is a purpose. And aren't we suppose to let go and let God? There are so many situations we have no control over. I can't make someone be my friend or boyfriend. I want to spend time with people that want to spend time with me and who treat/care for me well. I must say, this is the first time that I am not crying regularly for a hole in my heart, for a person I miss more than I think she'll ever realize. However, the tears do come when the loneliness for her sets in on certain occasions. Maybe I've cried too much in my life over enough heartbreak...maybe I'm taking this in strides...or just maybe I'm letting what will be, be. And so, here it is... People Come Into Your Life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. TODAY THANK THE PERSON WHO IN, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, HAVE BEEN PART OF YOUR LIFE even if a small way you can make them feel that you are indeed thankful for their presence as well as the beautiful moments that they have given - no matter if they are your reason, season, or your lifetime. :) Love, Amy |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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