I'd like to tell you that I am that person that handles change well - that walking into that next step which life has handed to me or God is calling me to is one that I do with ease because I know that God's got my back and has a plan for me. While I know this is all true, some change will never be easy. Maybe the change the stirs the course of our lives into another direction is the type that causes us to struggle in some way. For about a year and a half now I have worked out twice a week with two amazing women. I work out on my own around these two days, but I look forward to seeing them with our trainer and getting our sweat on as we work our butts off. Personal training as a group has definitely changed from what I knew it from my solo days, although I wouldn't trade those days. I certainly learned more about myself and gained so many lessons during those few months than I probably did in the last two years. But as a group, I feel as if we are "in it" together. We bring fun to the hard work. It's been wonderful to have the friendship of these women along the way. From time-to-time I wondered what it would be like if I had to leave the group, but those were just distant thoughts. I thought about what would happen when one of us got pregnant or moves away. I just pushed the thoughts away, because there was no point in contemplating the hypothetical. So, when the doctor said he would like me to try water aerobics instead, I just wasn't sure how to take it. His request made complete sense. Water aerobics will take the stress and pressure off my back that some of the exercises I do on land in my personal training sessions does. I asked about running. He said no to running, because it jars the body (or something of the sorts). That was very disappointing even though it made sense. He talked about why this was so important for my back and that I can't keep going with this inflammation and continual "cycle" that I do. I continue to battle and work out knots in my lower back. He said that if I keep going like this that in 5+ years the little arthritis I do have already (I didn't know I had any), will grow. I asked several more questions to help wrap my mind around the outcome before me and the change that was going to be all too soon. The doctor asked me if I needed a doctor's note, since he realized how serious it was for me to share (with those I train with) the news that I would not be training together anymore. So many thoughts swarmed my mind. I even thought, "I can't stop personal training," but there's always a reason for everything. So, of course I rationally thought about how this might be God's perfect timing telling me I have to do something different for some reason. And sitting here tonight thinking about that some other reason, I wonder if maybe my body needs something new. Maybe that type of training has run its course for my back. It certainly has strengthened my back (and my body overall) and reduced the back pain, but maybe a new method could help reduce it further. It was not easy sharing with my personal training group. After all, I view this as a lifestyle change and what our group is now will be no more. After sharing with the girls tonight, I realized just how much "doing it" on my own schedule will be if I am not doing group personal training. I certainly have working out into my schedule decent enough, but changing it up is never an easy task. It will take a few weeks to figure out my new schedule. I hope to continue personal training alone one day a week to work on my upper body and core exercises that don't strain my back. I've done water aerobics before, and I had hoped to do it again. I even bought a swimsuit for it, so now here's my chance to use it. My back pain has been a part of my product - of where I am today - and it will get me where I need to be in the future. It is that internal drive that pushes me and that without a doubt disciplined me into someone that is healthier, stronger, and fitter. I don't know if I'd ever be as disciplined as I am if I didn't have a back that needs almost daily physical exercise, however, I'd never wish to have this just to gain the good. It could have been very easy to have continued with my weekly chiropractor appointments just to make it through the week without such horrible pain. I lived in constant fear of my back going out again. It could have been so easy to let myself fall into a deep depression over my situation, because at times it did feel hopeless. But I knew that God created me for so much more than how I was living. I also knew that the body He created was designed for so much more than what it was doing at that time. Hard work produces amazing results. And so, I turn now to a new direction in this back/getting fit for life journey. I'm not quite ready to let go of some dreams for the future that I had hoped for, so I am just going to focus on this as a time for now to see what this change will bring. I'll go with what is next in the fitness plan knowing I'll making goals along the way as I've always done. To the new set of challenges and accomplishments...stay tune! One of the very best videos on change, your future, and becoming your best! Watch every second.
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Back in April (2015) I was at a class to learn more on the beautiful teachings called, Theology of the Body, from Pope John Paul II. We learned more about who we are and the beauty and gift of our sexuality from God. At a mealtime, some women and I talked about our identities and self-esteems. And my heart just broke. I think about this often and again now in June, because another woman struggles with the same thing as she shared her story with me in the gym locker room. She struggles as the women do at the table back in April. I literally feel as if I could sob for them. I am troubled for them. For they do not know how beautiful they are. They do not know how worthy they are. And they cannot embrace how gifted they are. Maybe some can tell themselves that they are these things, because they have been taught it. But for many, they do not believe it...their heart has another story line. It saddens me so much that our world and culture makes it so hard for women to love themselves and their bodies. This world would be different if we saw who we are as God sees us and as nothing else. I'm not quite sure how I've remained so hopeful along my own path even as darkness lined my path at times. I am forever grateful for the gift of faith that was planted and grew along the way, for it must have been one of the main reasons to push forward, hope for something better, fight, and to know that I am more than I think I am or for what the world thinks I am somehow and in someway. It has taken many years to grow out of the line, "You're beautiful on the inside," or "What's on the inside really matters." Every little girl, teen, and woman wants to be told she is beautiful. She is beautiful, because she IS...for all that she is. She needs to hear it over and over again, because the world tells her otherwise. I have learned that I've stood behind the safety and protection that I am beautiful on the inside (ONLY) for so many, MANY years. We all know well what that saying doesn't say, but what it sadly and horribly means. Because I stood behind my "insides only mattering," I didn't work on my outsides hard enough. I didn't go outside my comfort zone. I didn't think I was worthy of certain things or people in my life. However, I am beautiful on the outside and those that see it will see my beautiful insides and so much more. But, my friends, this took years to realize. I've share my "mirror moment" with people often. It is MY MOMENT. It is the mountain top moment that I dream of for every woman who struggles with their beauty, worth, value, and self-esteem. The mountain climb up to this glorious view was challenging. I wish I could remember each moment. God has blessed with me with a few to remember to share with you... Fall Retreat (freshman year - college) There is nothing like sitting with a few women on retreat talking. Maybe we were talking about this very topic. When a woman pierced my heart with her words, and I have never forgotten them TO THIS DAY! She has no idea she has done this; I don't even remember who she is. She shared with us about how much God loved us, because he created us. We are created in his very image and likeness - one of love. And since that is true, how could we be anything but beautiful!? Then she spoke the words I'll never forget...When we talk poorly about our bodies and ourselves, we are insulting God's creation. I had never viewed it that way before. It was mind blowing! So, when I say I hate something about my body, I am saying I hate something God created?! My heart changed that day. I pray you can begin to respect your body, because God knit you in your mother's womb. There is NO ONE like you! God doesn't make mistakes. His creations are masterpieces. They are priceless. You must begin to treat yourself this way. We must also begin to take care ourselves. God only gave us one body. God only gave us one beautiful YOU! My 20th Birthday You may have read about this one before, so you'll know this one isn't about accepting my beauty. This was one of my favorite birthdays. I did nothing special, but God did. He showed up and delivered BIG time! It was in the middle of my normal everyday routine of college life that I realized how much God loved me and the day was a celebration of life. I share this, because our beauty as women comes from the Father. When we are confident in who we are in Christ, many things happen...we begin to radiate happiness; we shine! We are thankful for the gift of Christ's salvation and his forgiveness of our sins. We have peace in the messiness of life knowing there's a heavenly home for us. And I've learned what really matters in life is having Christ in my life and a faith to guide me. As I sat across the table and heard the women pour out their hearts back in April and the woman at the gym, I wonder how much they have taken in God's love and his free gift of salvation. MY MIRROR EXPERIENCE I really started to take care of myself during my last years of college. I really saw me for what I was, inside and out. My very last year I didn't procrastinate; I prayed daily; I ate well and exercised; I read the Bible often; and I did well academically. Life was very good. One day I found myself really looking at myself in the mirror. It was as if I really saw me for the first time through new eyes. I took time looking at different features. My eyes were open. I now saw what God saw - beauty. I didn't see flaws and things that needed to change. There wasn't a mistake. I saw perfection. That revelation has carried me through weight gain, gray hair, crazy eyebrows, zits, bad hair color, flabby arm fat, jiggly legs, cellulite, and the list goes on. I love me as God would love me...at least as much as I can comprehend. I pray you have your "mirror moment" whether it be from a book, from someone else, or on your own. I so desperately want to write, but nothing seems right. There's nothing inspiring and encouraging right now. My mind is consumed with the path I am paving right now at work. It is creating culture shock in my programs with a change that some do not want. It consumes a lot of me.
I have spent months discerning what would be right for the teens, parents, and what would logistically work with our buildings, number of teens, and days in our programs. For what seems like an impossible task and one that didn't seem do-able for so many of us, a solution still needed to be found. Many parents and teens will not know the tears that fell, the frustration, worry, prayers, time, and discussion that happening from the time that I learned about the new expectations to making a decision. I spent a large part of my working day today responding back in email to two parents who were concerned about the changes. Parts of these emails will probably find their way on the website. I pray and hope that the parents that have come to know and trust me (especially) will believe in the decisions I have made and will stand behind me and our parish. Change is never easy, and one of this size is changing parish culture. It is very likely that people may leave the programs that I oversee. This will be very unfortunate. Although, I've never been afraid of paving a new path and leaving a trail, it's usually not of this magnitude. This change will directly affect almost 70 juniors this coming year. I never know in my day when I could be chatting on the phone or sitting with a parent in my office discussing the changes. They are not easy conversations. It is as if I am being hit will several balls at one time, and I am trying to safeguard what has been decided by handing each ball back one step at a time back. I usually can only scratch the surface! I ask that you please, please pray for me this summer and the junior class. If you really want to pray for me and these families...for the anger, frustration, sadness, sense of loss, discerning, understanding, openness, empathy, etc....that you could fast from something important for a period of time periodically, on a certain day, or for a long stint. As you feel the challenging emotions that call you to that item, recall me and those families and bring us to prayer. Otherwise, if you have a spiritual discipline or devotion you prefer, I will take anything I can get! For on the bottom of the mountain everything does look unclear and uncertain, but the view changes on the mountain top. It becomes clear. Thank you! |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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