The other day I read pages I ripped out of a journal. I have many journals. Some waiting for words to be written upon its pages and some with scribbles of my favorite quotes or notes from a work presentation. My work notebook actually has a page in it about types of fats from a TED talk on eating healthy. I love journals, so you'll never guess my favorite section at Barnes and Nobel is that section. Reading these pages from 2010 can bring me to tears in a matter of seconds. That time brings my heart to a place of so much weight. I still mourn the person I was and the pain I went through. It was so painful. I do not have that pain of the time anymore, thankfully. Looking back only helps me to know who I've become and who I'll never be again. One day I know it won't be like this even when I think about me back then! On the pages I talked about what I needed to work through - what I was facing in life. I knew I needed to face one issue at a time and give it my all. Each one took so much of me. Some were naturally exhausting, difficult, and beyond what I thought I had in me. To do each one well and successfully, I knew I'd be doing it one step at a time. That become my mantra in the years to come - "One step at a time." I wrote it on a stone and placed it on my desk at work (see below). I look at it everyday. "One step" could be a moment, a few minutes, an hour, a day, a morning, an afternoon, a week, etc. As I read through the pages, I evaluated how I worked through all of them, except one final one - my financial situation. Although, my health and fitness (which includes my weight loss) goals are still a work in progress, I know they will be achieved over time as I work at them everyday. Really hitting my financial situation and planning for my future could have happened along side everything else going on in life, but what many of you don't understand is I put my all into something when the time is right. It's interesting when I took the time to see what was occupying my life, aside from work, these last couple years. What's exciting is, I've set so many goals and achieved them. There is so much yet to come.
So, as I looked at my successes, it was only natural to see that 2015 is going to be the year to get on track, get organized, and hopefully get ahead with my finances. Here's what has been going on minus so many details: June 2010 Ended relationship, hurting, losses of so many, loneliness, sadness, anger, 2011 Healing, forgiving, goal setting, growth, and moving on towards the end of the summer 2012 Embracing happiness; physical back pain & feeling old June 2013 & 2014 Really becoming active for the first time routinely & taking care of me; loving again (since March 2013) It is quite scary and exciting thinking about how am I going to better myself financially. It's not always easy being a single woman working for the Church wondering about her future (short and long-term). I don't like feeling like I am a sad case that will always be just that or one that will always have to sacrifice and live a very tight life. Is it so bad if I want it to be a little bit easier than check-by-check and worrying about the next big emergency? I don't think so. I do think it's time, the right time, to get my finances in order. Join me as I bravely share with you my next BIG adventure in my money land. Don't worry, all my other goals are still very much alive and well! 2015 is a very big year. Will I really be running this year? Will I reach my goal weight? I'm developing new programs at work, which is exciting and challenging. I am made for that...one step at a time, right!? I've been growing my hair out! Have you noticed?! How long will it get this time!?? And where will my friendships and relationships go? But wait, what will God have in store for me? If you haven't, do take some time to reflect upon 2014 and the coming 2015 year! Blessings upon what is to come and may God guide you in all things! My 2014 Blessings:
Happy New Year!
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About six years ago I sat in a Catholic church with a beautiful family waiting for two people to be married. I couldn't be any happier for them. It was there, in that church with all those people, though, that my heart sank for the first time at a Catholic wedding. It wouldn't be the first time. There have been many times of this heart-breaking feeling. Today, I bravely share this feeling with you asking for you to empathize with where I am coming from even if you can't fully understand it or possibly care. Some may think I am judging. I ask that you hear me out, because there's always more to the picture.
It has taken me some time to learn about and fully appreciate and love the Catholic Mass! In college I left it in search of what was missing only to find out it was that personal relationship with Jesus. I returned a few years later, because of the Eucharist (the body and blood of Jesus (not a symbol)). It was a very difficult and exciting time, those years in college, as my faith/Jesus came alive and real to me while I had to find what church denomination to call my true church and home. Then when God called me to do more with my faith while I was student teaching, I later found my ministry job and I began working in the Catholic Church. I knew so little, but my heart was on fire for the Catholic faith and what God was going to do through me. I have come to learn so much, that I am forever grateful that the Holy Spirit led me back to the Church. So, as I grow in my own faith and understanding of the rituals, traditions, and spirituality of the Catholic Church, everything means more and makes more sense. In a way, my faith life comes alive. Advent and Christmas takes on a deeper meaning and mystery, as well as Easter as we recount Christ's death, Resurrection, and Ascension. And all the time in between is shaped by how Christ is teaching me to be more like Him. With the combination of the Mass making more sense and meaning more, as well as weddings always being a very special time in two people's lives, I take all that happens during the Mass very seriously. I enter into that Mass by praying, signing, listening to the words of the priest, couple, and readers. I listen to the words as I sing and as the lectors (readers) read the Scripture. And while that goes on, I desperately want everyone else to do the same. I want to worship as one community uniting together in the biggest form of prayer possible - the Mass. BUT... so many things go wrong! People don't sing. They don't know where to find the song. They don't feel comfortable singing. Why would they try to sing a new song? The musicians "leading them" are not in front, but way off somewhere out of sight. Were they really invited to sing? The song is way too high/low for them. No one else is singing, so why would I?.... and the list goes on. My heart breaks because....Song is prayer. It is beautiful. It is a form or worship. It's not meant to be a performance even in a wedding. In my opinion, we are suppose to sing with the musicians and worship God...at least for most of the songs. I wonder if people understand this. I don't want to be one of the few singing on this beautiful day as two become one...I just don't. Out of everything in the Mass, this one saddens me the most, because mostly anyone could do it Catholic or not. Even Catholics go quiet. The prayers and parts of the Catholic Mass can be so unknown for guests in a Catholic Church. It saddens me when Catholics go quiet, because they're now uncomfortable or maybe even unsure of themselves or their faith, because they're surrounded by this quiet atmosphere - this group of people that are of mixed faiths or possibly even no faith tradition. My heart breaks because this is the time when coming together to worship in love for this couple needs to be there. Anyone would pick the worshiping, confident community verses the quiet and hesitant. Those in heaven, the angels and the Saints, those that have passed, have come to celebrate. We join with them in this prayer, in this beautiful Sacrament of Marriage. If only the Catholics could remain confident, maybe...just maybe each one of us wouldn't feel so alone in this...maybe I wouldn't... The other day I actually thought, "It wasn't so "lonely" in Masses like these, because everyone in our family/back in the day was mostly Catholic." Because today is so different, the situation presents new opportunities, but often times they are missed. The teacher side of me and the woman that desperately wants a wedding of her own (someday) full of active participation, thinks of ideas such as these:
A Mass full of active participation is more important to me than all the wedding gifts combined. The Mass is more important than the reception. So, little by little, I need to learn how to come all that I am (with this desire) in love, but worship without expectation... so I am not upset, because I cannot control things and the day is not about me. I've always known this. All I can hope for is one day, just maybe, I won't see it as "what is missing" since my eyes have been open to what the Mass is. If it is the biggest prayer we can offer and "do," than I must not get caught up in all of this, because much bigger things are happening! God is much bigger than a song and the prayers we can offer out loud. So, whatever the Mass is that day, it is! I was listening to the radio on the way home today when a woman started talking about how God gave us taste buds, but hers were out of control. They desired certain foods. It was almost like they were thirsting to have the flavor of the food on the palate of her tongue so it would finally be soothed. An addiction one might ask? A little out of control or out of whack, maybe? She went on to say she needed to take control of her taste buds - that there is nothing wrong with the food, but the desire for it was out of control and controlling her. For the first few weeks of my fast nothing but my taste bud's needs being met was on my mind. I was denying myself what would please my taste buds as if they were in heaven over and over again day in and day out. Week 1 was all about realizing I made the decision to fast from sweets for a volunteer in my program at work who has cancer. I was telling myself that I could do this. "I've got this. I'm going to do this better than last time. I'm going to bang through the holidays." Week 2 consisted of saying no to myself constantly. I "died" to myself (slow denials of sweets as I come to terms with the decision I made) over and over again. Week 3, treatment week for K, was tough. I thought about him a lot. I thought about ways I could just maybe cheat. The week I should have been the strongest were my most challenging. Interesting really, I'm at my weakest when K has chemo and radiation going through his body... God never fails to teach through fasting! Monday will be 21 days. Donuts I hate you on the counter. I can't do anything about you; you are not mine. Brownies on the table at work. I uncovered you from the ripped tinfoil and wrapped you in new plastic wrap, so you wouldn't go dry. I now see you. I hate you. Why can't I just throw you in the garbage? I am sure K is experiencing things in his cancer and treatment (started Dec. 1) that he does not like. That now he "sees" that doesn't wish was there (or maybe he will). There's no doubt that if he could, he'd just through his cancer out the window, in the garbage...anywhere else but in his body. But for now, he has to work through it. As for me, I need to continue to train my taste buds even more for a lesser dependance on the sweets of life. I am always seeking to train my body to eat to live not live to eat. I need to call K tomorrow to see if he can volunteer this week. I need to be in prayer more. Not having regular updates as I did when I fasted for my cousin, Lauren, makes this fast very different. I pray more to where the spirit leads and have faith that it is what K and his family need. My song for the battles you're fighting. My song for K right now! |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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